I’m not good at it. I’m always worried that I’m going to say something stupid, something that will be ridiculed, something for which I will be teased. So I’ve always preferred to listen.
Unless I drink.
Y’all know how it goes. Courage in a bottle. The “I don’t care what I say” boost. The “open mouth, insert both feet” drinks of fun.
I become that person. I say things without thinking, or I think to much and it comes out garbled, I repeat myself, I’m an expert on OH-SO-MUCH, I know how to fix everyone’s problems…
I’m better off quiet. I could hear myself, in that wee corner of my mind where the beast in my head hadn’t completely run rampant, and I couldn’t stand me. And yet I did it, over and over and over. The problem is that now I’m back to being unsure all the time, and I don’t like this feeling. I have zero desire to drink, I just need to learn how to actually, for the first time in my life, feel comfortable being me: quiet, thoughtful, unsure and a bit anxious. It’s ok that I am that way, though I’ve always thought it isn’t. And who knows, maybe as I sit with my true self for a while I’ll discover that I’m ok if I say something that others take wrong. That being gullible and taking people at their word isn’t the worst trait in the world. That saying silly things out of the blue is something that others do, too. That people aren’t going to always like what I say or the questions I have, but I have every right to say or ask them. Most of all, that I don’t need alcohol to voice my true self.
That, that my friends, means the world to me.
©Pip Miller – May 2018
PS: I’m trying out the Bullet Journal again, and may write a separate post about it in a day or two.
PPS: That shirt above? If you haven’t watched Archer, oh my goodness, DO! If nothing else, it will be a good lesson in the evils of drinking – as you’re laughing your ass off. 🙂 It’s on Netflix, as well as on tv. Go. Watch.