Shyness and Tremors and Brain Farts…

Oh, my!

I rewrote my home page the other day, and since then I’ve been thinking about my shyness. It’s causes me to actually be afraid of speaking for fear of saying something that will cause me to feel embarrassed and stupid.

I’ve lived my entire life with that feeling. I’ve become somewhat less worried about what others think as the years have gone by, but it’s still there, lurking beneath every word I’m about to say, just waiting to whisper, “Yep, you did it again, you idiot. Can’t you say anything right?? See how they’re looking at you? That’s cuz you’re dumb. You should just shut up. Always.” It sucks when you’re own mind attacks you.

My tremors began 25 years ago after my divorce, and one of the side-effects of this lovely disease/affliction/annoyance…I don’t even know what to call it…is that it affects your memory. As in, you forget words.

Do you see where I’m going here?

I can be mid-sentence, and all of a sudden a word that was right there in my head took a left turn (I’d say at Albuquerque, but I’m already here) and got lost on the way to my mouth, and something completely inane comes out if I don’t catch myself in time to just let the sentence die off*. Suddenly ‘pencil’ becomes ‘yellow thing..writes…eraser…’ if I’m lucky. Most times a word comes out that is so ridiculous that I blush beet red and want to sink into a deep hole right then and there. Embarrassment on an epic level.

I’d love to think these are just normal brain farts, but it’s happening more and more, and as a result the shyness is kicking back in again with a vengeance. I was using alcohol to give that ‘don’t care’ buffer, but I’m trying very hard not to drink anymore, so I’m kind of stuck here, swimming in anxiety over speaking, even to my guy or friends. I find myself hermitting (I know it’s not a verb, but it should be) more and more, and prefer texting over calling.

The weirdest thing? I can send someone light to help them with their anxiety, but I can’t help myself. Is that like a psychic who can’t foresee their own future? At this rate, “This Hobbit’s Life” is going to become “This Hobbit’s Hermitage”. 😉

Anyway…not really sure where I was going with all this, it just popped into my head this morning and wanted to be written down.

Much love,

Pip 🙂

©Pip Miller – May 2018

 

*Someone posted the word for that on Twitter just the other day, but I can’t find it now.

PS: the first icon was made by someone called “lit-gal” on Live Journal, the second one I made, and the third one I have no idea. I know they’re small, but they fit what I’m writing, plus, hello, Firefly! 🙂

4 thoughts on “Shyness and Tremors and Brain Farts…

  1. The same is true with fibro. A lot of times, though, I’ll say things like garbage instead of garage, but then I always say, ‘Hey, at least I got the first letter right.’ I make a joke of it. I always say dishwasher instead of garbage disposal. I know what I mean, the wrong word insists on coming out, however. What’s worse is when thoughts or sentences just seem to evaporate right in the middle of thinking or saying. Vanish into the ether. It’s part of life, part of illness, it says nothing about how smart or knowledgeable you are. If it happens, acknowledge it at the time. ‘I know what I mean, the wrong word just pops out’, or something to show that you know it’s the wrong word. The other issue I have is spelling. I have always been a very good speller. Now I look at words and have no idea if it’s spelled correctly or not, and have to look it up. You can’t get overworked about things you have no control over, and like I said, it’s not how smart you are at all. You worry too much. Look outside yourself more, and worry less about your real or imagined shortcomings. Everyone else is too busy worrying about theirs to even notice. Love you.

    Like

    • Oh, crap, that’s right, I forgot it was an aspect of fibro, too. Double the fun! Not.

      Yeah, I’m getting the same way about spelling and it really, really annoys me because I’ve always been better at writing than speaking.

      Sent you an email concerning the last 4 sentences. 🙂

      Like

  2. I quit drinking in 2013. It was making my anxiety unbearable. Functioning as a normal person was really hard.
    Sober, and taking daily medication, keeps my anxiety moderate. But when it ramps up I slur my words. My mouth just stops making the words I want to say.

    I know that at that point I am done and need time alone.

    I don’t always like it, but I’ve come to accept I have limits to my energy. And that’s ok.

    Anne

    Like

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