Shyness and Tremors and Brain Farts…

Oh, my!

I rewrote my home page the other day, and since then I’ve been thinking about my shyness. It’s causes me to actually be afraid of speaking for fear of saying something that will cause me to feel embarrassed and stupid.

I’ve lived my entire life with that feeling. I’ve become somewhat less worried about what others think as the years have gone by, but it’s still there, lurking beneath every word I’m about to say, just waiting to whisper, “Yep, you did it again, you idiot. Can’t you say anything right?? See how they’re looking at you? That’s cuz you’re dumb. You should just shut up. Always.” It sucks when you’re own mind attacks you.

My tremors began 25 years ago after my divorce, and one of the side-effects of this lovely disease/affliction/annoyance…I don’t even know what to call it…is that it affects your memory. As in, you forget words.

Do you see where I’m going here?

I can be mid-sentence, and all of a sudden a word that was right there in my head took a left turn (I’d say at Albuquerque, but I’m already here) and got lost on the way to my mouth, and something completely inane comes out if I don’t catch myself in time to just let the sentence die off*. Suddenly ‘pencil’ becomes ‘yellow thing..writes…eraser…’ if I’m lucky. Most times a word comes out that is so ridiculous that I blush beet red and want to sink into a deep hole right then and there. Embarrassment on an epic level.

I’d love to think these are just normal brain farts, but it’s happening more and more, and as a result the shyness is kicking back in again with a vengeance. I was using alcohol to give that ‘don’t care’ buffer, but I’m trying very hard not to drink anymore, so I’m kind of stuck here, swimming in anxiety over speaking, even to my guy or friends. I find myself hermitting (I know it’s not a verb, but it should be) more and more, and prefer texting over calling.

The weirdest thing? I can send someone light to help them with their anxiety, but I can’t help myself. Is that like a psychic who can’t foresee their own future? At this rate, “This Hobbit’s Life” is going to become “This Hobbit’s Hermitage”. 😉

Anyway…not really sure where I was going with all this, it just popped into my head this morning and wanted to be written down.

Much love,

Pip 🙂

©Pip Miller – May 2018

 

*Someone posted the word for that on Twitter just the other day, but I can’t find it now.

PS: the first icon was made by someone called “lit-gal” on Live Journal, the second one I made, and the third one I have no idea. I know they’re small, but they fit what I’m writing, plus, hello, Firefly! 🙂

I’ve Been Raging At THAT MAN For Too Long

Ever since the election, I’ve been in a state of, well, quite frankly, “Define Interesting.” “Oh god, oh god, we’re all gonna die.”* Rage, fear, stress, depression, despair, helplessness…you name it. So many of us have been – and it’s draining us.

I’ve been caught in the quicksand, unable to pull myself out, finding myself retweeting post after post, unable to step back and not feed the beast. I didn’t know how else to make a difference, but I think in reality, I was just another person making things a little bit worse with the endless focus on the negative. I haven’t been mindful of what I’ve been adding to the mix, and I apologize to those who have been caught up in my fear. I’m fairly sure I’ve lost a friend or two along the way, and that saddens me.

This morning I woke, checked Twitter, and slowly it dawned on me that I *can* make a difference, one that is more subtle, but no less important than helping bring to light all the darkness that’s been festering for too long. I’m a lightworker. I’m supposed to be working on the side of service, not regurgitating negativity. As my friend Michael said, “Be the light, Pip. Be the light.”

By working to help others feel better via distance healing sessions, I, and others who have this ability, can begin aiding souls so stuck in that quicksand that they’ve lost hope of ever getting out. Souls that have been abused and are still to afraid to talk about it, souls that endure racism and hatred daily, souls that have lost all hope.

I can’t change your life, but I can ease some of the stress and pain for a bit. I can help bring “healing harmony” (thanks, Alice, for coming up with that phrase to describe what I do!) to your mind and body, giving you a time of peace in which to feel comforted and rested.

I hope you’ll do me the honor of allowing me to help you in whatever small way I can. I offer sessions for $1.00 a minute, and I also have more intense sessions that work to help you speak your truth, which has a different price structure.

I look forward to being of service, and I promise to slow down on all the retweets! 🙂

©Pip Miller – January 2018

*From Serenity.

 

 

Dear Diary…

Did you catch the subheading change on my title page? I’ve been introspective this week, and reading day-to-day life blogs have been my interest. Real life, no selling, more communication. And as this is my favorite blog of the 3 I have, I’m going to write that way here. More like LiveJournal, but more public.

The reason I’ve had this time is that on Friday I had foot surgery, and I have to keep my foot elevated, so there’s been a lot of downtime. And there will be more to come. I probably can’t wear a shoe for another 5 weeks or so.

my view

My view

I hateses crutches

My nemesis

Hobbitstyle

#HobbitStyle

waiting

Waiting

I had the bandages changed today, but still don’t have a real boot because my Dr. had an emergency out of state and isn’t back yet. Next week. I must say, I suck at crutches BIG TIME thanks to the tremors, and so Himself bought me a walker off Craigslist and that’s been so much easier. Not on my hands, but still, more balance. Plus, still can’t put any weight on it, so skipping along on my right foot. My right knee is very, very unhappy about this. If I ever have to do this again, I’m getting one of those scooter/trike things.

I’m sleeping a lot, which is nice, but the meds make me twitch when I am, which is weird. The first night Himself thought I was boxing in my dreams. Lol!

Oh, I’m rereading Dave Turner’s “How to Be Dead” books on my Kindle…funny stuff. And speaking of Amazon, we were, weren’t we? …I just put a bunch of Funko Pops on my wishlist. No, I don’t need them, but, again, life is short, and they’re fun, and I want them. They really need to make more girl ones, and also to finish sets; Firefly is missing Inara, Book, and Simon. Why??

So, dear diary, that’s it for today. 🙂

©Pip Miller – September 2016