I rewrote my home page the other day, and since then I’ve been thinking about my shyness. It’s causes me to actually be afraid of speaking for fear of saying something that will cause me to feel embarrassed and stupid.
I’ve lived my entire life with that feeling. I’ve become somewhat less worried about what others think as the years have gone by, but it’s still there, lurking beneath every word I’m about to say, just waiting to whisper, “Yep, you did it again, you idiot. Can’t you say anything right?? See how they’re looking at you? That’s cuz you’re dumb. You should just shut up. Always.” It sucks when you’re own mind attacks you.
My tremors began 25 years ago after my divorce, and one of the side-effects of this lovely disease/affliction/annoyance…I don’t even know what to call it…is that it affects your memory. As in, you forget words.
Do you see where I’m going here?
I can be mid-sentence, and all of a sudden a word that was right there in my head took a left turn (I’d say at Albuquerque, but I’m already here) and got lost on the way to my mouth, and something completely inane comes out if I don’t catch myself in time to just let the sentence die off*. Suddenly ‘pencil’ becomes ‘yellow thing..writes…eraser…’ if I’m lucky. Most times a word comes out that is so ridiculous that I blush beet red and want to sink into a deep hole right then and there. Embarrassment on an epic level.
I’d love to think these are just normal brain farts, but it’s happening more and more, and as a result the shyness is kicking back in again with a vengeance. I was using alcohol to give that ‘don’t care’ buffer, but I’m trying very hard not to drink anymore, so I’m kind of stuck here, swimming in anxiety over speaking, even to my guy or friends. I find myself hermitting (I know it’s not a verb, but it should be) more and more, and prefer texting over calling.
The weirdest thing? I can send someone light to help them with their anxiety, but I can’t help myself. Is that like a psychic who can’t foresee their own future? At this rate, “This Hobbit’s Life” is going to become “This Hobbit’s Hermitage”. 😉
Anyway…not really sure where I was going with all this, it just popped into my head this morning and wanted to be written down.
©Pip Miller – May 2018
*Someone posted the word for that on Twitter just the other day, but I can’t find it now.
PS: the first icon was made by someone called “lit-gal” on Live Journal, the second one I made, and the third one I have no idea. I know they’re small, but they fit what I’m writing, plus, hello, Firefly! 🙂